This week at YWAM Louisville we spent a lot of time learning about our personalities and what our natural strengths and tendencies are when interacting with people or completing a task. It was good for me to learn more about who I am and to think about how others are different and how we can walk in greater humility as we honor each other and consider our differences in personality.

God has been revealing Himself to me this week through His word and again through the study of missions in Pathways. He is revealing Himself as a God who desires the praise of the nations. I knew this before but it has been so good to see it revealed in the Scriptures systematically.

God has shown me a lot about myself this week--about fears that I am holding on to and areas where I am not trusting Him. He has gently put these things before me as He shows me more and more how He desires for me to be whole and fully trusting Him.

Early in the week God was revealing these things as He provided people around me to lift me up and support me. I woke up tuesday morning and felt light and joyful. I hadnt realized how heavy i had been. perhaps even from before I left india. God has been so gracious to me in providing such amazing friends that are praying for me.

Another week has gone by at YWAM Louisville...Last week we listened to a series of lectures about Effective Personal Ministry. It was a good teaching concentrating on the fact that ministry is service--meeting people's needs through the strength and power of the Holy Spirit. We also talked a lot about Paul's life and how he really lived out his teaching. It is actually kind of difficult for me to sit in class and learn about ministry. I want to be out in the world doing it; so it was somewhat of a struggle this week for me to engage during class. But God is faithful and always provides His grace even in small things like paying attention to lectures :) I am reminded often that this is a time of preparation and I want to make the most of it.

We also started a study on missions through a teaching called Pathways. It is a collection of articles on various topics but this week we read about how God from the very beginning has been a missional God. One that spoke to me particularly was from Let the Nations Be Glad by John Piper. Piper talks about how the purpose of missions is worship and that "missions exist because worship does not."

Piper says, "The ultimate foundation for our passion to see God glorified is his own passion to be glorified. God is central and supreme in His own affections...God is not an idolater...With all His heart and soul and strength and mind, He delights in the glory of His manifold perfections. the most passionate heart for God in all the universe is God's heart... Missions is the overflow of our delight in God because missions is the overflow of God's delight in being God...The gospel demand that flows from such a God to the nations is an eminently shareable, doable demand, mainly to rejoice and be glad in God."

This thought was a new thought for me--that God is by nature missional. He desires to share Himself. For us we start to see this at creation and it continues through His covenant with Abraham, David and ultimately through Christ.

God is showing me more and more that He has put His heart for the nations into my own. I am realizing how deeply I desire to be a part of God redeeming peoples from every tribe, tongue and nation to gather around His throne in worship. I already knew this a bit but the longing is deeper than i knew. i will go, but not yet...(and for the time being--let us bring His kingdom in America as it is in Heaven)

"Declare His glory among the nations, His marvelous works among all the peoples!" Psalm 96:3


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YWAM Louisville

Alright...blogging again. my extremely rare habit :)

Well lots has changed in the past couple weeks and now I am in Louisville, KY doing a School of Ministry Development with the YWAM here. It all came about really quickly just a few days before the school started--and the school started one week ago. So... through the school we are required to keep up with a journal each week and we can do it through blogging...thus--the reason for this blog and several to come.

Our teaching this week was on our passions/core values that we base our life on. It was definitely good for me to think about what my values are and how they came to be. The Lord showed me several things about myself and different motivations i have that need purifying in light of His glory and the fact that He alone is worthy of our devotion and praise. The teacher spoke many times about God's ultimate passion being the glory of His name and how we are to align ourselves with His passions. Through these teachings I was reminded again of the worthiness of God. He is passionate about His glory because He is God. He is all powerful, all mighty, always just, always faithful. He is love, mercy, grace. He is.

Through the teaching, times of prayer, and studying the word the Lord has shown me that many of my values come from a self-glorifying heart instead of a God-glorifying heart. He showed me that this will be a season in which i need to be diligent in walking through what He is bringing my way--no longer reluctant or unwilling. I pray I will continue in His grace to do these things.

One of the challenges this week has been transitioning to a new place and starting over yet again. The school I am in is unique in that everyone just completed a discipleship training school all together...except for me. It has been stretching this week to not allow myself to "hide". It is perhaps easiest for me to be alone--or with really close friends. It would be easy for me to not to much and stay out of the group but by His grace I think i did alright in trying to stay involved.

I leave you with this picture of a few of the kids I love in india. ive thought of them often this week and i miss them dearly!

to remember

I read Instrument of Thy Peace by Alan Paton while in Kathmandu last summer. It was beautiful. Here is some:

“Why did Jesus hold spellbound those who listened to him? It was because he showed them they were not helpless victims in the grip of fears, hates, the past, the world. They were the salt of the earth, the light of the world. He showed them a new thing—that obedience and freedom are inseparable. For where is the joy of living in a society in which all obey and none is free? Or in which all are free and none obeys? Something in them rose up to meet him; they were caught up into the bondage which is the perfect freedom; they became his servants and his freedmen; they became his followers and his disciples; in him they found meaning for their lives, and there is no freedom like the freedom of finding meaning for one’s life, of becoming the instrument of a Lord who helps us to be what we were meant to be.”

I am on my way to south carolina to live with some people who are indeed His followers and His disciples. In this next season of life i hope and pray that i will learn from them and step more fully into the life and the freedom of my Saviour.

hallelujah amen!

the shock of culture

Hmmm....I guess its about time for my annual blog.

So, its been just over a month since I left India. I'm still pretty sad about it. Honestly, its hard being in America with nothing to do. I have been traveling like a crazy person. In the last 6 weeks I've spent time in 5 different countries and three different states within America. thankfully I'll be in one place for the next couple weeks. In the midst of all this traveling I have been slowly processing leaving India... well, it may be more accurate to say i've been reacting to leaving India.

I guess I've been continuing to learn what i think is the biggest lesson the Lord has been teaching me through my time in India and now coming home: it's just life. While in India, most of the time i didn't feel like a "missionary". day to day life was pretty standard--taking care of the kids at the children's home and teaching at the school. majority of my time was not spent in what i would immediately call "ministry". but the Lord used it to open my eyes--i think for a while now i've been waiting; waiting for something big to do. And all the time i've spent waiting i've often missed it. missed the fact that we have the opportunity to bring God glory in the little things. when we live in the Spirit, exemplifying the fruit of the Spirt--that is what bring glory to God. When we interact with people in love, patience, and gentleness--that is the fruit of a life redeemed. a life that has been changed forever not because of anything we can do ourselves but because of God's great love. So, i must stop waiting for some big task to do for God and start [continue] living in His Spirit--moment by moment.

now. that being said--I am in America and it feels so.... pointless. I know, i know--saying that is contrary to this whole lesson God is teaching me of not waiting for something big... but it's honestly how i have felt majority of the time since leaving india. BUT--God reminded me the other day of this whole bring Him glory thing in day to day interactions with people. and its true--I have the opportunity, no matter where i am, no matter what i am doing--to bring Him glory. I have the opportunity to respond to people in gentleness and love instead of my natural tendency of being harsh and critical. I can live with joy and in continual hope instead of drowning in self pity and doubt. I can have peace by resting in Him instead of striving in my own strength to accomplish something. but it is a fight. my flesh is strong. there is an enemy consistently working to pull me down. just the same as it was in india--it is here.

So, here we go. No more waiting. Hebrews 12:1-3.

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love." --Mother Teresa

[life is beautiful].

India...

Probably one of the best things about being in India is the acute awareness it causes of my dependency upon the Lord. Something about being out of my normal routine, doing things i wouldn’t normal do helps me to see that i am fully dependent on God as my strength and sufficiency.

The first week we got here I found out I was to teach two times at the womens conference in Nepal. Now. The believers here are…believers. Many of them have had to sacrifice much to follow Christ. And I learn a huge deal from them about what it means to truly be a follower of Christ every time we gather together. So, needless to say (perhaps—or maybe we should say it more often…) I do not feel especially adequate to teach them. So Liz and I were talking about this because she was to speak as well.

Now usually I remind myself about how I am in Christ and I have authority in Him. Which is true. But this time as I thought about how I do not consider speaking one of my strengths—I really felt like the Lord said to me—that is a good place to be--to recognize my weakness. To recognize my dependency on God to accomplish anything whatsoever. it is good. Because the Lord has said—“My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9).

And God has just impressed this truth on me over and over in this past month in India. He has reminded me so strongly of my weakness and how He desires to be strong in that. He has reminded me that there are many others who could have come here—that are much more qualified than Liz and I. But we are here. And He desires to use us here. In spite of our weaknesses—or possibly because our weaknesses.

the second week i was here i read Cry, the Beloved Country (highly recommended!). In the book there is a pastor who, when thanked for the good he has done responds, "...I am a weak and sinful man, but God put His hands on me, that is all". what amazing truth.

Life is beautiful. [God is gracious.]

love.

Alright, so i am back in alabama which is....home? close enough. there are people i love here so it is as much home as anywhere else. It was really really great to see people at church this morning. such a warm welcome back--always encouraging. I am reminded again about the amazing people God has brought my way. Such a privilege.

On the way home i was reading Erwin McMannus's book Soul Cravings. the part that i cannot stop thinking about was about God's unconditional love. here's a bit:

"The truth of the matter is that we're uncomfortable with God. We're disoriented by the way He loves... At least on an unconscious level, a part of our struggle with God is our discomfort with love...All of us find ourselves uncertain when it comes to love. We have no real experience of unconditional love, and it goes without saying that conditional love always leaves us wanting. But at least with conditional love we have some control over the situation. The downside is, when we don't meet the conditions, we default on the love."

and the kicker... "What in the world would happen if people actually began discovering the actual message of Jesus Christ--that love is unconditional? What would happen if we began to realize that God was not, in fact, waiting for us to earn his love, but that he was passionately pursuing us with His love? What would happen if the word got out that Jesus was offering His love freely and without condition?"

honestly, as i was reading this i thought, "Is God's love really actually unconditional? Could it be?" (now, i've been a Christian for ten years now. i really shouldn't be asking myself these questions...or rather, asking God) and the Lord quickly brought to mind verses about the height, depth, width of His love, how He forgets every sin, how He makes us new--makes us clean, how God is love, how while we were yet sinners Christ died for us, how yes--His love is truly without condition. (although even as i write this doubts fly...hopefully someday while i'm still living i will be absolutely confident of this truth.) and then i thought--how amazing. honestly, how amazing i mean, what does God have to gain from us? nothing. a few pages earlier in the book McMannus quotes a girl saying, "I turned to God, thinking He was a fool for wanting me." such a good perspective. such a perspective of truth...McMannus responds saying, "Which, of course, is the nature of love, isn't it?"

love. it seems to me that love is completely irrational. especially God's love. i have no worth apart from Christ. so why? why would God want me? unfortunately too many times i come to the conclusion--well, i must have something to offer than (ah that nasty paradigm in which i am in the center is just so hard to kill.) but the conclusion that i should come to is--God is love. He is just that good, that loving, that compassionate, that caring, that humble.

i cant understand it. but i think i'm starting to get it. little by little. after all this time. good thing God is patient as well.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." [Eph. 3:17b-19]

life is beautiful.

two weeks notice

ahhhh well i will officially be in India in fourteen days. pretty crazy. i feel like it has taken forever to get here and now it has ambushed me. what to do.

It has been five months since i've been back from India. five months. thats a long time and i havent really done anything. Sarah graduated, Kelly ummm....had her wedding, i worked a full WEEK of volleyball camps, worked as a telemarketer for about four days (worst job ever.) and i saw a whole lot of people. time well spent i say. but in the midst of it all i have felt a bit....restless? dissatisfied? complacent?

i must confess (to michelle i guess....if she still checks this?) that this summer i almost completely sold out to the american way. I came back from india knowing that i would be going back to india, knowing that in india i dont get to do what i want, i dont get to be comfortable, i dont 'get' to be selfish--so i came back with the attitude that i was, what i wanted was...well, what mattered (that is the american way, right?). So awful. and so clearly idiotic when i write it out. and so clearly contrary to scripture.

and do you know what i found out?

life is empty when you live it for yourself. utterly, completely empty. i found out that Jesus was speaking truth when He said, "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matt 16:25) Thank God the truth is in me. Thank God for His grace to keep me from selling out completely. So here i go, not just in two weeks hopefully, but now--losing my life for His sake.

all this is not to say that i have hated my time here. i have had some amazing times with some amazing people. some of my favorite people in the world. and in the midst of my frustration with the american way of life i have a deep love for america and have had the privilege of seeing some of her wonders while i have been home. So, here are some pictures to let you know that i have been happy to be home (despite my attitude issues...), and i will be happy to go :)



at kelly and matt's wedding :)



i got to live with this girl and her amazing family!


these guys came to visit and we saw the amazing Maroon Bells


in Utah this past weekend...delicate arch


and these are some of the beautiful faces i will see when i get to India!

God is good. Thank goodness He has made known His truth.

life is beautiful.

beauty

alright so its been ages since i wrote anything on here. I'm pretty sure no one reads it anyways but its just kind of embarrassing to have a blog and not update it for so long. and i just commented on robnett's blog so in a way, robnett--this is for you. or maybe for my pride b/c my last post wasn't really very good.

I've been really caught up lately in what i am doing. God has been so gracious to reveal to me again, its not really about what i do. and for that matter, its not really about me at all. i get so easily entangled in this--what am i doing, how am i proving that i have faith in Christ. or sometimes--though it may seem noble at first--being ridiculously concerned with whether i am living in obedience; seems like a good thing to be concerned with but for me i fall into a state of double-mindedness, unstable in all my ways, questioning every decision to be made, falling into a state of paralysis--unable to do anything at all. but Jesus said, "I have come so that you may have life, and life abundantly". interesting words.

i have started reading The Shack by william young. God has really used it to remind me that He desires relationship, intimacy. and when i am living in that state of mind, there is life. abundant life. God also reminded me of the beauty of relationship. i have been blessed with so many great friends. and i absolutely love spending time with them. it is honestly my favorite thing to spend quality time with the people i love. and i think this is part of the heart of God. i think He enjoys this too--when i am with my sisters and cannot stop laughing. when i am with friends, reminiscing about old memories and creating new ones along the way. it is life. it is beautiful. there is joy in it.

sometimes i wish i was an artist so i had a greater understanding of beauty. like those musicians who just love good music, whereever it comes from. or photographers (namely tera wages) who can capture the beauty of commonplace things. or avid readers--my sister molly can become absolutely lost in a good book.

i guess i will just do the best with what i have, which is enough. because life is beautiful.

"God formed us for His pleasure, and so formed us that we as well as He can in divine communion enjoy the sweet and mysterious mingling of kindred personalities. He meant us to see Him and live in Him and draw our life from His smile." A.W. Tozer (The Pursuit Of God)