India...

Probably one of the best things about being in India is the acute awareness it causes of my dependency upon the Lord. Something about being out of my normal routine, doing things i wouldn’t normal do helps me to see that i am fully dependent on God as my strength and sufficiency.

The first week we got here I found out I was to teach two times at the womens conference in Nepal. Now. The believers here are…believers. Many of them have had to sacrifice much to follow Christ. And I learn a huge deal from them about what it means to truly be a follower of Christ every time we gather together. So, needless to say (perhaps—or maybe we should say it more often…) I do not feel especially adequate to teach them. So Liz and I were talking about this because she was to speak as well.

Now usually I remind myself about how I am in Christ and I have authority in Him. Which is true. But this time as I thought about how I do not consider speaking one of my strengths—I really felt like the Lord said to me—that is a good place to be--to recognize my weakness. To recognize my dependency on God to accomplish anything whatsoever. it is good. Because the Lord has said—“My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9).

And God has just impressed this truth on me over and over in this past month in India. He has reminded me so strongly of my weakness and how He desires to be strong in that. He has reminded me that there are many others who could have come here—that are much more qualified than Liz and I. But we are here. And He desires to use us here. In spite of our weaknesses—or possibly because our weaknesses.

the second week i was here i read Cry, the Beloved Country (highly recommended!). In the book there is a pastor who, when thanked for the good he has done responds, "...I am a weak and sinful man, but God put His hands on me, that is all". what amazing truth.

Life is beautiful. [God is gracious.]

love.

Alright, so i am back in alabama which is....home? close enough. there are people i love here so it is as much home as anywhere else. It was really really great to see people at church this morning. such a warm welcome back--always encouraging. I am reminded again about the amazing people God has brought my way. Such a privilege.

On the way home i was reading Erwin McMannus's book Soul Cravings. the part that i cannot stop thinking about was about God's unconditional love. here's a bit:

"The truth of the matter is that we're uncomfortable with God. We're disoriented by the way He loves... At least on an unconscious level, a part of our struggle with God is our discomfort with love...All of us find ourselves uncertain when it comes to love. We have no real experience of unconditional love, and it goes without saying that conditional love always leaves us wanting. But at least with conditional love we have some control over the situation. The downside is, when we don't meet the conditions, we default on the love."

and the kicker... "What in the world would happen if people actually began discovering the actual message of Jesus Christ--that love is unconditional? What would happen if we began to realize that God was not, in fact, waiting for us to earn his love, but that he was passionately pursuing us with His love? What would happen if the word got out that Jesus was offering His love freely and without condition?"

honestly, as i was reading this i thought, "Is God's love really actually unconditional? Could it be?" (now, i've been a Christian for ten years now. i really shouldn't be asking myself these questions...or rather, asking God) and the Lord quickly brought to mind verses about the height, depth, width of His love, how He forgets every sin, how He makes us new--makes us clean, how God is love, how while we were yet sinners Christ died for us, how yes--His love is truly without condition. (although even as i write this doubts fly...hopefully someday while i'm still living i will be absolutely confident of this truth.) and then i thought--how amazing. honestly, how amazing i mean, what does God have to gain from us? nothing. a few pages earlier in the book McMannus quotes a girl saying, "I turned to God, thinking He was a fool for wanting me." such a good perspective. such a perspective of truth...McMannus responds saying, "Which, of course, is the nature of love, isn't it?"

love. it seems to me that love is completely irrational. especially God's love. i have no worth apart from Christ. so why? why would God want me? unfortunately too many times i come to the conclusion--well, i must have something to offer than (ah that nasty paradigm in which i am in the center is just so hard to kill.) but the conclusion that i should come to is--God is love. He is just that good, that loving, that compassionate, that caring, that humble.

i cant understand it. but i think i'm starting to get it. little by little. after all this time. good thing God is patient as well.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." [Eph. 3:17b-19]

life is beautiful.

two weeks notice

ahhhh well i will officially be in India in fourteen days. pretty crazy. i feel like it has taken forever to get here and now it has ambushed me. what to do.

It has been five months since i've been back from India. five months. thats a long time and i havent really done anything. Sarah graduated, Kelly ummm....had her wedding, i worked a full WEEK of volleyball camps, worked as a telemarketer for about four days (worst job ever.) and i saw a whole lot of people. time well spent i say. but in the midst of it all i have felt a bit....restless? dissatisfied? complacent?

i must confess (to michelle i guess....if she still checks this?) that this summer i almost completely sold out to the american way. I came back from india knowing that i would be going back to india, knowing that in india i dont get to do what i want, i dont get to be comfortable, i dont 'get' to be selfish--so i came back with the attitude that i was, what i wanted was...well, what mattered (that is the american way, right?). So awful. and so clearly idiotic when i write it out. and so clearly contrary to scripture.

and do you know what i found out?

life is empty when you live it for yourself. utterly, completely empty. i found out that Jesus was speaking truth when He said, "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matt 16:25) Thank God the truth is in me. Thank God for His grace to keep me from selling out completely. So here i go, not just in two weeks hopefully, but now--losing my life for His sake.

all this is not to say that i have hated my time here. i have had some amazing times with some amazing people. some of my favorite people in the world. and in the midst of my frustration with the american way of life i have a deep love for america and have had the privilege of seeing some of her wonders while i have been home. So, here are some pictures to let you know that i have been happy to be home (despite my attitude issues...), and i will be happy to go :)



at kelly and matt's wedding :)



i got to live with this girl and her amazing family!


these guys came to visit and we saw the amazing Maroon Bells


in Utah this past weekend...delicate arch


and these are some of the beautiful faces i will see when i get to India!

God is good. Thank goodness He has made known His truth.

life is beautiful.

beauty

alright so its been ages since i wrote anything on here. I'm pretty sure no one reads it anyways but its just kind of embarrassing to have a blog and not update it for so long. and i just commented on robnett's blog so in a way, robnett--this is for you. or maybe for my pride b/c my last post wasn't really very good.

I've been really caught up lately in what i am doing. God has been so gracious to reveal to me again, its not really about what i do. and for that matter, its not really about me at all. i get so easily entangled in this--what am i doing, how am i proving that i have faith in Christ. or sometimes--though it may seem noble at first--being ridiculously concerned with whether i am living in obedience; seems like a good thing to be concerned with but for me i fall into a state of double-mindedness, unstable in all my ways, questioning every decision to be made, falling into a state of paralysis--unable to do anything at all. but Jesus said, "I have come so that you may have life, and life abundantly". interesting words.

i have started reading The Shack by william young. God has really used it to remind me that He desires relationship, intimacy. and when i am living in that state of mind, there is life. abundant life. God also reminded me of the beauty of relationship. i have been blessed with so many great friends. and i absolutely love spending time with them. it is honestly my favorite thing to spend quality time with the people i love. and i think this is part of the heart of God. i think He enjoys this too--when i am with my sisters and cannot stop laughing. when i am with friends, reminiscing about old memories and creating new ones along the way. it is life. it is beautiful. there is joy in it.

sometimes i wish i was an artist so i had a greater understanding of beauty. like those musicians who just love good music, whereever it comes from. or photographers (namely tera wages) who can capture the beauty of commonplace things. or avid readers--my sister molly can become absolutely lost in a good book.

i guess i will just do the best with what i have, which is enough. because life is beautiful.

"God formed us for His pleasure, and so formed us that we as well as He can in divine communion enjoy the sweet and mysterious mingling of kindred personalities. He meant us to see Him and live in Him and draw our life from His smile." A.W. Tozer (The Pursuit Of God)